


a soft nothing

by hellworld999 (holdmetightly)



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, They/Themrey, gentle homoeroticism, gordon is afraid of the dark, i guess theyre in some communal living situation, i wrote this in a fugue state, short fic, somehow bubby coomer and tommy didnt wake up i guess, this is my second time writing a fic in my whole life please be nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24731140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdmetightly/pseuds/hellworld999
Summary: Sometimes, Gordon Freeman doesn't dream. Those are the best nights.(basically Gordon has a nightmare and Benrey helps. what do you want from me)
Relationships: Benrey & Gordon Freeman, Benrey/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 17
Kudos: 364





	a soft nothing

**Author's Note:**

> i have just barely gotten into hlvrai. i haven't even talked to anybody about hlvrai, not my friends, not strangers. i never write fic. i hardly even write at all. how and why the FUCK did i just write an hlvrai fic
> 
> tw for vague nightmare stuff and Gordon Arm Hell, panic attack

Sometimes, Gordon Freeman doesn't dream. Those are the best nights.  
Sometimes, Gordon dreams of vague shapes, of nonsense speech, of vibrating strings and stupid hypotheses. Those are fine, too.  
But both of those outcomes are just possible outcomes. Chances. And tonight, Gordon's dice land on the other probability.  
Gordon dreams of sudden darkness. Movement. Layered voices. Searing pain.

_"But he was—"_

Sudden darkness. Movement. Voices. Pain.

_"What are they—"_

Darkness. Movement. Voices. Pain. 

_"What body?"_

Gordon doesn't realize he's screaming until he's awake. But he doesn't stop making noise, he can't, not when damn near every nerve in the right side of his body feels like it's on fire, not when he can't see a thing in the room he's in. Dark room. Someone turned out the lights again. Soldiers are going to come. Gordon knows it, knows it as an irrefutable fact. He vaguely processes a door opening. They're coming. They're going to hurt him again—

"hey, you okay?"

The words don't get through. It's a bad presence. Any presence is bad. Gordon's thoughts are a mess of _they're here_ and _I have to run_ and _fuck. Hurts._  
He must have been saying the last one out loud, because Benrey comes a little closer. 

Benrey can see well in the dark. They see Gordon flinch hard at the sound of their footsteps. They also see that his good arm is raised up in front of him, like a boxer's guard. And they see Gordon's eyes, impossibly wide, darting around at nothing.  
Benrey realizes.  
"i'm— i'm gonna turn the light on, okay man? i'm turning the light on."  
They make a slow, deliberate movement out of flicking the light switch.

Gordon whips his head from side to side. _This room. A bedroom. My bedroom? Someone. A soldier. No— not a soldier. Oh._  
"B... Benrey?"  
If he were more aware of himself right now, Gordon would be ashamed of how pitiful he sounded, croaking out their name like that. But they don't seem to care. They just come closer, slowly, in short steps.  
"yeah. does your not-arm hurt?"  
Gordon can't figure out how to make words. Benrey has to settle for a stiff nod as a response.  
"you're breathing— you're breathing wrong. hold on. can i... sit there."  
Another nod.  
Benrey sits with their legs crossed on top of the bed, the half where Gordon isn't. They hesitantly place a hand on his back, as softly as possible, and start to instruct Gordon on how to properly breathe. He follows along. He doesn't know what else there is to do.  
"so, it's like in-two-three-four, hold-two-three-four-five-six, out-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine."  
Gordon didn't like the holding part. He took an extra breath in the middle. He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't need to; Benrey noticed.  
"you can do less, that's chill. let's do, uhhh... four five and six. okay, it's like this, in-two-three-four... yeah, that. nice. hold, and out-two-three-four-five-six."

Somewhere along the line, when enough oxygen had gone back to his brain, Gordon became acutely aware of his situation. He's confused, embarrassed, and a plethora of other adjectives that he can't name.  
Benrey stops after another set of counting and looks at him, almost expectantly.  
"Benrey, what are you... I... I didn't mean to wake you up."  
"s'okay. i wasn't sleeping."  
"Oh."

He wants to break the silence, but a quick flare of pain does that job for him. He hunches over slightly as he groans.  
Benrey stares down at him, face unreadable. Gordon is about to make some remark, but they quickly turn to get up and walk across the room.  
"Benrey, wh—"  
A bottle of painkillers lands in Gordon's lap.  
"Oh. Th-thanks, buddy."  
Gordon takes the bottle in his left hand, pressing the bottom of it against his knee to help him turn the safety cap.  
It isn't until after he's dry-swallowed some that he turns to look at Benrey, who had magically returned to their spot on the bed.  
Their hand had returned to where it was, too.

It must be something about how shaken up he is, or that it's the middle of the night, or whatever, but Gordon is extremely preoccupied with Benrey's hand on his back. They don't seem to produce any body heat, but their hand feels solid, steady. Gordon is very much in need of something steady.

Without thinking, without second-guessing, Gordon turns and leans towards Benrey. He lets himself fall into their shoulder.  
"whoa. you weirdo."  
They put their arms around him, and Gordon thinks to himself that he was right, he knew that this would be even better.  
He feels stable. He takes a breath, and it's stable, too.  
"dude, you're sweaty," laughs Benrey, not moving away at all. "so shiny and gross. like a— like a greaseman."  
Gordon fondly mumbles out "I'm not greasy, you're greasy."  
He thinks to himself that maybe he could cry right now, but he's too tired. Maybe it's that he cried enough already without noticing, courtesy of the panic attack. Good. If he crossed another unspoken boundary with Benrey tonight, he wouldn't know what to do.

"do you wanna keep the lights on? can you even sleep like that? i bet you can't. you've got... shitty light-sensitive eyes."  
"What does that even— uh. There's a dimmer on the switch. You can... you can put it on low-ish, if that's cool."  
Benrey detangles themself from Gordon.  
"yeah it's cool. low-ish... like from Family Guy. ha."  
Despite himself, Gordon almost laughs at that before telling them to shut up, his face halfway in his pillow. The light dims, and he doesn't feel any dread about it being darker.  
And Benrey, instead of exiting the room like Gordon thought they would, has started climbing into the bed.  
"You... uh..."  
"you were afraid. so i'm gonna chill with you so you're not afraid as much."

 _So much for not crossing boundaries,_ Gordon thinks.  
"Yeah, okay."

The two quickly find comfortable enough positions. Benrey is still facing Gordon with an unshakably calm expression, studying his face. They can certainly see the dark circles under his eyes, even more prominent in the shadowy lighting. His eyes are starting to drift closed on their own.  
"Benrey."  
"yeah?"  
"Isn't it so... weird that I'm scared of the dark? I'm, like... I mean, I'm a grown man. D'you think it's stupid?"  
"not stupid. sometimes stuff happens. sometimes people... people who are grown men have afraid... have fears of things. s'whatever."  
"Really?"  
"no. i was lying and i totally think it's cringe," Benrey replies, and then pauses. "...yeah."  
"Mmn."

And Gordon is down for the count.  
Benrey admires how peaceful he looks for a moment, just a moment. Staying right where they are, halfway against him, they close their eyes.

"not stupid. sleep. you're good."

Gordon Freeman dreams of nothing, a soft nothing where everything is just bright enough. He is the luckiest unluckiest man alive, and he is alive, and asleep, and okay. That's all.


End file.
